A Dad's emotions at birth

As a father, you are right to feel guilty for having thoughts or emotions while your wife is in labor.   Pregnancy is a rough process and you are never more clearly in a support role then at that moment.   Still, the reality is that you have a lot of thoughts and emotions of your own.   I think I'm far enough removed from my two experiences in that role to explain some of them:

Lily was our first, born nearly two weeks after her due date.   It was the biggest build up of my life, and it wound up being delayed for as long as clinically possible.    Even the labor was stretched out over a whole day, and ended in surgery.  The delivery was whirlwind surgery in a foreign looking surgery room rather then the warm and fuzzy delivery room.   Emotionally, I was dazed, confused and bewildered.   I looked catatonic, because I felt that way.

Nate's birth was scheduled and prepped to be anti-climactic.   We'd go in a week before the due date, and the delivery would be over before lunch.    I knew what to expect and felt like a veteran going in, an old hand.   This time my reaction was different.....but not really how I expected.   This time I was a wreck - tears, the whole works, it was almost pathetic.

It might be obvious to others, but I found it hard to explain both the stoically shocked first experience and the outwardly emotional second.   If asked to guess beforehand, I would pick the opposite reaction.    In retrospect,  it all makes sense.  

With the first born, I was confused - shocked even.   When my second was born, I was a veteran, the shock was gone, and only the love I knew I would have for the new child remained.    So, raising Lily taught me how much I'd eventually love Nate.

This realization helped me resolve some awkward feelings I had about the period between learning of the pregnancy and meeting Nate.   It kind of goes like this:  If someone pointed to a door and told you that you would eventually love the next person to walk through dearly, then you wouldn't believe them.   What if you know that's the case with certainty based on past experience?    The person is still a foreigner when they walk through the door, even if they are, initially, a 'stranger'.