Sleep deprivation or teenage angst?

I'm a few chapters into the book 'Nurture Shock'.   It's like a Malcom Gladwell book focused solely on raising children, since it takes the latest scientific research and makes it easy for us laypeople to understand.

It's great if you want to know why everything you are doing (or have done) is the wrong way to do it.   I'm quite sure they prefer to focus on what sells books ('EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG!'), but regardless, the book makes you think and its arguments are very reasonable so far.   I'm enjoying it.

I particularly liked the second chapter, which is about kids not getting enough sleep.   Its an old point - that High School starts too early - timed to the parent's work schedule rather than Circadian rhythm.   The book points out that kids sleep less now than in the past and it particularly drops off when they hit High School age.   This being the age when kids are typically granted the right to regulate their own bed time.

The importance of sleep is unquestioned - it's the time when what we learn is encoded and stored into long term memory.   So, sleep is particularly important while our mind is developing, something that happens into our mid-20's.   At my age, sleep is when American Idol results are saved (Bo Bice lost), but kids might actually be storing some important stuff.

What really hit the mark for me is how the book describes the traits of a 'stereotypical teenager' matching exactly that of someone who is sleep deprived - remote, angst/agitated, etc.   In general, the description of High School as a sleep deprived era rings true from my experience.   One of the clearest memories of High School was the battle to stay awake in class.

Please and Thank You

Yesterday I took Lily to Chuck-E-Cheese for the first time, in order to give mom some time to go out with her friend.   Lily and I also stopped for food and went to Target for a couple things.

Along the way, between destinations, she snacked on animal crackers in her car seat.   After finishing each one she would say 'more, more' as a sign that another needed to be handed to her.   I'd pass one back and her response would be 'thank you'.   This was nice to hear.

It was a non-Pavlovian response, even if it's learned, because it was an action without expectation for a response.  It was something we explicitly taught her, but it wasn't something she had to say or something that demanded a result (like 'more' or 'bottle').  It was a pleasantry from someone who isn't ingrained with formality.

It's also part of an overall trend.  She is more aware, to some degree, of other people's emotions.   Recently, for example, she comforted her agitated mom.  Lily walked up patted her on the shoulder and used a high comforting voice, surely mimicking how we respond to her in a similar state.

It's all very amazing to see, from an infant that was barely aware of them self, to showing awareness of those around her, and all in 1 and 2/3 years.

So, anyway, I guess the little things do make a difference.

The long road to becoming DIMWIT's

This week we get to pretend what it's like to be SIMWIC (single income, with child).   Cindy is on vacation at home with Lily, all week, while I work.    Next week we'll go back to the real world of DIMWIC's (dual income, with child), but that may change when child becomes children.

I definitely like this arrangement.  It's nice to get updates on Lily and know exactly what's going on in her life.  Later on, this would allow the option to home-school and offer a broad range of experiences to both kids, every day.   If this were the standard arrangement, it would also help us keep up with errands, housework and other stuff that typically will only get 'caught up' on weekends or over vacation time.  

We haven't gone in depth on the topic, but so far Cindy has said she likes it.   Her biggest concern was dealing with Lily 24/7, and she seemed to weather it yesterday just fine, even with a hellish nap time experience.

The money lost with dropping to one income will hurt, but there are also numerous ways we'd save money.   No daycare, more homemade meals, lower transportation costs, lower tax bracket, etc.

It might be nice if Cindy could find some part time employment, or side/consulting work that would keep her skills fresh, but that wouldn't be a necessity.  This would just provide added safety if there was some reason that I couldn't work or wasn't making enough.    It would also make it easier for her to get back into the workforce later and for us to become DIMWITS (dual income, with teens) someday.  That's a long way off though.

Holidays and a much needed pause button

Month's like this are the reason we put so little stock in the Holidays.  There is enough going on already.

Working in a dead tree for the living room, decorations, lights on the house, a consumption orgy at cramped malls and grand expectations for a couple arbitrarily chosen days -- just wouldn't help matters.  The glorification of a self-declared idyllic day just isn't going to help.

What we need is a pause button.   A week or even a month.   Reset, catch-up and then restart.  

Instead, everything keeps moving.    There is no pause button to life.

Zhu Zhu and Elmo

Zhu Zhu is the new Elmo.  Walmart and the toy's manufacturer have conspired to build press and drive feet to the retailer by orchestrated shortages.  It appears to be a successful campaign.   Kids want it and parents want it even more.

Some children will wake up on Friday without a Zhu Zhu pet though, and will probably be better for it.   The problems I have with Zhu Zhu are twofold - succumbing to marketing and the question of its quality as a toy.

First, succumbing to materialism/consumerism.  You could argue that pointing out the consumerism is sufficient even if you give in, but that's like someone telling their kid not to watch TV while they sit in front of it.   It's the action kids will follow, not the words.   I think this type of thing is the perfect time to say 'no' and explain the marketing and advertisements they will be deluged with for the rest of their lives.

This is a great group when it comes to this topic.   I've been reading a lot of what they put out lately:
http://www.commercialfreechildhood.org/

My second issue is that Zhu Zhu is not all that great a toy.   It's ironic that most toys labeled 'interactive' tend towards being 'barely' interactive.    Zhu Zhu are 'interactive' pets, and much like Elmo, they put on a show - entertain.   They don't promote play - creativity and imagination.   

While entertainment isn't bad, in moderation, play is essential for children.   

Games before the player

I'm ready for the future, somewhat.......at least when it comes to games.   I bought Blink  and Set, two games that require some thought, but can be picked up by kids.   They are supposed to be good for making baby a genius.   

Set is definitely the better of the two, from an adult perspective.  It's more complex - difficult even, at first.   It'll be a while before Lily can play this (much less the boy....2014, maybe?  Damn...that's a long way off).    I could see her playing Blink in a year or so.   

I also received Nurture Shock - a book on child development.   It's another book telling us how everything we know about raising kids is wrong.   For example:  praise trying, not success....talk to your kids about race....it's OK to fight in front of kids, as long as you resolve it in front of them too, etc.     It's supposed to be sort of the Malcolm Gladwell book on Child Development, in the sense that it takes what scientists are doing in labs and makes it palatable to us common folk.

I can't wait to read it, and hope it's as good as the cover - it's at the top of my queue now. 

Time and chance

Time and chance doesn't work on any schedule.   Within a half hour of claiming the weekend for laziness, in the last blog post, I received news that my father had passed away.  That night and the days that followed felt hazy, and not at all lazy.

It's a week later, and we are well past the formality.   A lot of dust settles at this point.  You get a sense of clarity.   Yet, I know from experience that there is much dust left to settle.  These things play out over years rather than days.  Unraveling.  Explaining or understanding a relationship with a parent, even an absent one, can take a lot of time.   Even if that relationship is only now officially set in stone, undynamic, with all action secured in the past tense, it can have a great effect going forward.

I do not trust my thoughts on the past right now, but this event makes everything in the present more pressing.   It gives everything in the present a sense of urgency.

Most things I can't control.  It would be nice to be looking at 28 rather then 38, next year, when the boy arrives.   It would be nice to know that my life will be long enough to see my children develop into strong independent adults.

Some things I can control.  I am committed to being a continuous presence during every stage of my kid's lives.  I'll try to adapt my role, appropriately, as they grow.  Still, if there is an error, I should correct against personality type.  My fear should be withdrawal rather than an overbearing posture.

Lazy is infectuous

A nasty case of pink-eye gives a good pretext to be homebodies.  A pregnant mom and chilly weather makes the decision even easier.  

It has been a week-end of carry-out food, coloring and tear-soaked battles to administer eye-drops.

Modern Guilt & Pet Sounds

I realized the other day that Lily knows 'Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star', and learned about it without me.   I was singing it to her and she began to act out the parts - 'twinkling' her hands and creating a rudimentary diamond at nearly the perfect point.    This could only mean she learned it in daycare, and it makes me feel guilty.

Even if it's an unrealistic and even undesirable expectation, you kind of want to be the only person to teach your kid stuff -- or at least be there when they are taught.

If all goes well, Cindy should have the option to stay home when the next one comes, and that would stop this....but is that a good thing?    Maybe Lily learns more in daycare.  She definitely gets more socialization than any imaginable scenario at home with mom.   I want to teach her everything, but if that were the case, she'd be limited only to what I could teach.

...

Animal sounds Lily knows - that I'm pretty sure we taught her:

Dog - (she pants rather then barks)

Cat - Sounds like 'now' or 'neow'

Cow - Mooo

Owl - this one is particularly cute ('hoo hoo')

Vacation on toddler time

We are back from our mini vacation.   

It's very strange vacationing with a toddler, since the entire day largely revolves around a nap.    This would be an odd situation with an adult....

"We can do something in the morning or afternoon, but I'm going to sleep for 2 to 3 hours in the middle of the day.   Oh, and if I do not get to sleep soon enough, I'll become irrationally irritable and cry and fuss."

So, we'd be in the hotel room every day doing something very quiet, between 1 and 3PM.   It gave us more time to read and browse the internet, which isn't a bad thing.....just a little different.

Dr's Appointment

Cindy was in to see the doctor today, and all is going well:

• Heartbeat: 150's (Good)
• Weight gain:  17lb
• All the tests from last time came back fine
• Ultrasound was fine

We schedule the c-section on her next visit, in a month.

The pregnancy.....it's back

Cindy is pregnant -- for real.

We were kind of lulled into believing it was easy this time, but that was just the second trimester.   The second trimester makes it look easy.  There is a glow and a optimism in the second trimester.   There isn't the hormone dump of the first trimester.   There isn't a fully formed human being in her tummy, or a sense of urgency, like the third trimester.

So, anyway, we aren't forgetting that she's pregnant anymore.   It's becoming more real and present, again.

Speak up

Lily was at the side of the bed when I woke up.   She said '(get) up', mimicking what her mom was saying at the time, and many times before, in mornings past.  It's the first time I've identified that word, but probably not the first time she used it.

You can't always make out some of her gibberish statements, but I always pay attention.   The experts say that very little gibberish is actually gibberish, per se.  At the very least it's filler where they want to say something, but don't know how to.   Often, it's practice speech, as she hones the phonemes which make up words.  

Right now she can pick apart sentences, which is why she picked apart the phrase 'get up' to the actionable objective word, while ignoring the real verb.  This might show promise, since it's not just conveying the wording that results in action by parents/caregivers -- like you see when she says 'all-done' and gets out of the high chair.  In all likelihood she understands a great deal more than she says right now.

Overall, her language is progressing, at least like it should.   She can imitate most words you ask her to say, assuming she's in the mood, and has built good sized practical vocabulary for a couple weeks past 18 months.   Just this last few days she used 'up' and 'orange', appropriately, in unprompted situations.

So, I'm bragging, a little.  With respect to Keillor, all the kids in Shelby Twp are above average too.

Healthy big little girl

Lily's doctor appointment:

• Weight:  85th Percentile
• Height:   90-95th Percentile
• Head:     97-100th Percentile

The doctor said she should know about 15 to 20 words right now, so we counted the words she uses without being prompted:

Mommy, Daddy, dog, kitty, cheese, apple, banana, hi, bye, water, bottle, yogurt, mine, no, yea, green, more, all-done, baby, ball, eat, Elmo, please, pee, wow, woah, 'meow'

Pregnancy and Miscellany

Our two favorite boy names, right now, are Nathaniel and Joel.  There are probably 5 or 6 other names that simmer below that and, given the time left, are just as likely.

It's bizarre how secondary all pregnancy related issues are this time around.   Even now that it's visually obvious, it's very easy to forget Cindy is even pregnant.   She even forgets about it sometimes, and she's the one who feels the little guy moving all over the place.

Even the birth could be anti-climactic, given that it may well be scheduled, C-section, and done.   Of course, my assumption here is based on my only other experience.  The doctor tried to force Lily out with an induced pregnancy a week after the due date, but still had to resort to the C-Section - pull her out.   Lily didn't want to leave the uterus.   The boy might kick things off himself, on his own (faster) timeline.

Lily has her 18-month check up today, at 2:30.

Bedtime is easy

I'm not naive enough to believe that that anything that happens while parenting is how it will always be, but getting Lily to sleep is very easy.   I have it down to a science.

I'm the one that does it every night.    Typically, around 9:30, we ask her if she's ready to go to sleep.   If it's 9:30, she'll almost always say 'yes'.   She'll give her mom a kiss, then grab my hand and say 'bye' a few times as we walk down the hall to her room.  I let her flick off the light switch, and from there it takes 5 to 10 minutes of rocking or waiting in the room.   She rarely fusses or complains in any way, and almost always sleeps solidly till 6AM the next day.

I'm sure, as her mind matures and expands the ability to reason, cajole & negotiate - there might be some changes that come our way.   She'll start to see some benefit to extending the day or realize that she can say 'no' and stay up - that it's an option.

Still, this is a shock to me.  I have a hard time going to sleep, at my age.   I never thought any child, at any age, willfully went to bed.

Toddler rebellion and fetal kicks

Lily has said 'No' for a while.  It originally sound like an emphatic 'oh'.   Over the last couple weeks she's added in the 'n' phoneme, so it sounds complete - 'No'.   More importantly, she's started to use the word a lot.   Willful disobedience has become her favorite activity.  

When she gets something she shouldn't it's 'mine mine mine', when you ask her to do something it's 'no no no', and when you want her to come to you, she just runs away.   Strategies that work one week, don't the next.  She's at an age where you can almost watch her brain growing, along with the resulting manipulative powers.  Thankfully, we are still able to catch her when she runs away and outsmart her when needed.

I felt the baby boy kick last night.  Cindy has felt it for about a week, but thought it might just be gas.  He was moving all over the place though - a very active little guy.

Nature vs Nurture

Nurture was my biggest fear before becoming a parent.  I worried that I'd be too strict, not strict enough or make one errant comment and create the next Hitler or Columbine shooter.  I worried that I'd delay teaching the alphabet by a month and create another illiterate.  I worried that I couldn't teach reason & rational thought, and, God forbid, create another Republican.

Now that I'm a parent, my biggest fear is Nature.  I still look at my own flaws, but it's the ones I was conceived with rather then the day-to-day variety that cause concern.   It just seems that kids, something everyone was once (if they are not anymore), are more resilient than we are lead to believe.  

Every day, throughout human history, people have grown up in hardship and in ease, with good parents and bad, in wealth and poverty, sickness and health, yin and yang, this and that.....but they all turn out.  Good fruit comes from bad trees and bad fruit comes from good trees.  In this case - there is no correlation.  No one trusts a Preacher and everyone knows about his daughter.

The fact is (and studies show this) - our peers have a bigger effect on nurturing us than our parents.   It's the people we associate with that best reflect on what we are or will become, which itself is likely factored into by how nature has guided us.  Meaning, this is the effect, not the cause.  It's our genes that predispose us to attraction, impulses, addiction, etc...and it's our genes that, for the most part, picked those peers.

As a parent, I can fill my child's brain bucket, but I can't reprogram.  I can offer experiences and teach my child everything I'm capable of teaching, but I have no power over what she'll do with that knowledge.   The coding for the mind - that amazing piece of ROM that enables us to use language (the medium of thought), and complex abstract processing, after just a few years of on-site exposure - that's set in the gene's.   That's there from the start and there is no reason in science to believe we have much of any effect over something that complex.    That's why kids look AND THINK like their parents, because the genes that make up the base are a blend of the parents earliest contribution.

Nature is ultimately the biggest factor, even if it's not fun to admit......even if that gives up to Jehovah's creation and science what many a parent have assumed, and attempted, to dominate.

Giving up the breast

Originally, Cindy said she'd try breast feeding for a couple weeks.  That became six months, which later became a year.   Only now, the week Lily turns 18-months, have we begun the final wean.

Lily has been off the breast since Monday.

The first few days were hell.  She cried.  She screamed.  She tantrumed.   That was just Cindy too -- Lily took it even worse.    Just kidding, Cindy didn't take it that hard (Lily really did).   Cindy clearly does miss it though, because, while breastfeeding is an odd sight in this modern age, it's a uniquely bonding experience for both parties.  

So, the first few days were rough, but things really started to calm down by day 4.   By that time, she only cried in short bursts and calmed quickly through other comforting.

The amazing thing has been the end effect.   Lily found a new way to comfort herself - she put her head on mom's shoulder.    This is something she rarely did before......why bother when you can have the boob?

Kissing boys

Every morning we make sure to say goodbye with a kiss.  Typically, Cindy is holding Lily as they walk out the door.  Cindy and I kiss, then Lily & I (if she lets me), then Cindy gives Lily a kiss.   It has become a ritual, but is always sincere, touching and consistently memorable.  

Today it struck me that I don't know what to do with a boy.  Do you kiss your son?   Is there some cut-off age?  I don't get the rules, or even what's best.

The good thing is that I had the similar concerns with Lily, and I not only figured everything out (so far), but it just came naturally.   Hopefully that trend continues.

Why Pax Familia?

Literally, 'Pax Familia' means 'peaceful family/household' in Latin, and that's why it works as a name for this blog.

It's also a not so subtle allusion to terms such as Pax Romana or Pax Americana.   Those are used to describe the peace brought on by a dominant power in the world, in this case the Roman empire and current American empire, respectively.   The irony of that 'peace' are the huge armies, revolts and countless battles fought to retain that position.  

It's peaceful and grand, but it's not easy.

Ultrasound pictures

Naming trends for a little boy

We've started talking about names.    Based on the early list - we both heavily favor names with a Hebrew origin.   In fact, everything we actually wrote down is Hebrew.    There were a few Greek & Gaelic names we liked, but had issues with - they were overly popular, already in use by someone around us or used by someone from the past who tainted it.

I still haven't scanned & posted the pictures from the ultrasound.   I'll do it at some point this weekend.

One thing the ultrasound technician told us was that, size wise, the little guy is in the 25th percentile - meaning 75% of babies are bigger than he is, at this point.    This was shocking, since Lily probably still hasn't fallen under the 90th percentile.  The tech told us not to worry, that babies grow in spurts and the doctor would only be concerned if he was under the 10th percentile or doesn't show progress.  

So, it's not a major concern, but it's a different place to be, given our prior experience.

A picture starts to form

It's not particularly shocking that it's a boy - there was a 50% chance it would be.    The vision of what it's going to be like with the new kid is 90% clearer though.  It's much more real, once you have some idea what you face.

We can start buying boy's clothing, everything pink can stay in storage and we have a whole new set of issues to deal with (circumcision, etc).

IT'S A BOY!!!

Ultrasounds, Lily Jihad and my bad math

Tomorrow is the big day.   We get a real peek at the new kid via a big ultrasound machine.    We'll know the sex and it should make everything all the more real.    It would be all we could think about, if it wasn't for the 18-month old on the floor crying and kicking for much of the evening.

Lily had the temper tantrum to end all temper tantrums today, and the daycare lady said she was having them all day.   It's only for important stuff though, like the color of spoon she gets and who's changing her diaper.   She's very persistent too - the evening tantrum went on for well over half an hour.

Oh, I have bad math skills.   My last post said we were 50% vaccinated, but if you correctly count Cindy as two......then it actually comes out to 62.5%.

50% Vaccinated

Cindy's vaccinated agianst H1N1, and Lily has her first dose (kids need two, 30 days apart).  I'll take Lil back in a month to get the follow up, and get one myself. 

We debated getting it for Lily.  In the end, none of the opposition rose above anecdotal.  You have to go with the best information, and that means vaccination.  Statistically, vaccination is safe, even if it's not perfectly safe....it's better than the alternative.  

With  Cindy, there was no quesiton.  6% of the 1000+ deaths have been pregnant women, and they only make up 1% of the population.  

Aspie

I'm fairly certain that I have something called Aspergers.   It's essentially a mild form of Autism.  People with Aspergers do not naturally pick up on the basic elements of social interaction during early development.   Most people learn the meaning of facial/tonal expressions, as second nature, but I didn't.  Most people learn to look others in the eyes when talking to them, but I didn't start to do this till I was in my twenties.   I picked up on this stuff later, but much like learning a second language as an adult -- I will never be as good as a 'native' speaker.

I've never bothered going for a diagnosis, or any professional help, because there isn't really any treatment in my case.  There is no comorbidity (other problems) or limiting effects that I haven't been able to deal with by means close at hand.  There is no magic pill, and in ways it isn't even a defect or disease.  I'm not even sure it could be defined as anything more than a condition, or even a set of personality traits.

In many ways, it hasn't been much of a hindrance, considering what I've been able to do in life and given the encouragement of what others, who likely have the condition, have been able to do (Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Bob Dylan, Bill Gates, Al Gore, etc).

It still sucks though. 

There is a perceived lack of empathy.   People will tend to think someone with Aspergers is being cold or rude, when it's rarely ever the case.   These perceptions lead into every aspect of one's life, effectively serving as a barrier to many people.  This limits the ways, and number of people that you can get close to - friends & acquaintances. 

Even the good stuff about it can be bad.  For example, Aspergers tends to make people passionate about very specific topics.   That can be a great thing -- just think about Albert Einstein or the work of many great scientists, who likely had the same condition.   The problem arises when that same passion combines with limited conversation skills.  It can put people off, with a one sided conversation, a bore, which is debilitating socially and personally.

Again, it's not all bad.   In ways, it makes life more interesting.   Linguistics, the study of language, the medium of thought, is fascinating to myself and many other people with Aspergers.   This is likely because we view much of the communication we see as a foreigner.   Much like you might find the stories or cultures of someone from India, China or any place outside of your community more interesting, because it offers more variety.  In this way, Aspergers gives you the view of a foreigner in your native land.

I've taken a highly introspective look on this situation for the last decade, but children force you to look out.   Like just about everything about a person, this condition has a genetic preponderance.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing Lily react to facial expressions or make them herself.   I am somewhat confident, at this point, that she's not carrying the genes actively.   It'll be a concern again with our next child.  Given that boys are about 3 or 4 times more likely to carry the condition may well weigh into it even more so, if it does happen to be a boy.

The good thing to know is that it's something that can be dealt with, proactively, in my child's case.   They can go on to live very productive lives and not be limited in any significant way.  Their dad will be living proof of that.

IT'S A GIRL!
For the McHale's that is....congrats to them. This also serves as a test for the message I can send out next week, from the mobile.

Doctors Appointment

Cindy went in today, mainly for the gestational diabetes test.   It might be a standard test, but they were particularly concerned because Lily was so big.  She won't get the results till tomorrow, but everything else is looking good.

• Heartbeat:  150 (150 = GOOD)
• Weight Gain:  1 lb  (Cindy = Happy)
• H1N1 vaccination will be available in the next couple days
  

Numbers of years

 5 + 36 = 41 | 2013 |  My age when Lily starts school 
18 + 36 = 54 | 2026 |  She graduates from High School.
30 + 36 = 66 | 2038 |  She'll be 30
32 + 36 = 68 | 2040 |  Grandchildren*

+ 2  |  Years for the next kid
- 4  | Years for Cindy

I don't know if it's normal to obsess over these numbers, but I do.

(* - assuming she is the same age as her mom)

Saturday Night

Saturday we had the babysitting crew come in, and were able to go to dinner and a movie.

The dinner was at Arby's.   Needless to say, this wasn't our first choice or the hundredth - it was the only choice - given the time constraints and theater proximity.  There are some relatively healthy choices on their menu, relative to fast food.  Luckily, neither of us are on a low sodium diet. 

Dinner was uneventful, fast and filled with an unfamiliar silence.   There were no outbursts.  No one threw anything off the table or started crying.  

Cindy picked the movie.   It was about a bunch of unhappily married couples that all happen to find wedded bliss after 90 minutes of comic mishap in the Caribbean.  The theater next door was showing an incomprehensible action film about giant robots with consciousness, that turn into cars - which was only slightly more believe able.  

We both liked the movie, but agreed that it was no 'Sarah Marshal'.  The movie was just right for the evening, since my movie choice would have had us discussing Capitalism and how the workers can gain back the means of production on the drive home.   It might have changed the overall vibe of the evening.

We went home to find Lily being laid into the crib an hour earlier than she's usually put there.   She was worn out from leading the grandparents around, and would wind up sleeping, without complaint, till 6am.

That was Saturday night.

It's hard to love someone when you don't even know their name

Yesterday, Cindy expressed that it feels odd that anyone could share some part of the love and concern which Lily now receives.    This shocked me at first, but the truth is that I felt the same way all along.

There is a rational side that knows, without question, that the new baby will be welcome with open arms and be as big a part of the family as any current member.  That side is different than the pragmatism of every day, where it's impossible to imagine someone that competes with what we have now.

13 Days till sex and how much it will cost us

We'll know the sex in 13 days. 

I'm amazed and impressed that Andrea and Matt are going to make it a surprise on delivery day....I can see how it would add some pop to the big day.   It's not an option for us.  Cindy just wouldn't let it happen, and I would only accept not knowing by force.

Knowing the sex should get a lot of wheels turning.   The sex is going to determine how we redesign the bedroom for the new baby.  It will include trips to furniture stores, picking out colors, painting and moving things around.   This will probably take much of our free time in the coming months.

If it's a boy, then it's back to the mom-2-mom sales for Cindy.  We'll have to buy another wardrobe, although not as much care goes into boys clothing....from what I hear.

We started shopping yesterday - window shopping, really.   It was mostly spent looking at dual strollers.  We spent a grand total of $5.29 for a baby-proofing device to deal with clear and present dangers to Lily, rather than anything the new baby will face before 2011.   I think this will change once we know the sex.....we'll start buying in preparation, rather then just to fight fires.

Pax Familia

Maybe inane Facebook Status' and Twitter Twats have watered down all other forms of narcissism on the Internets......cause I've really grown to like the blog format.

This may be due to the fact that it's not the publicity of this very public format, but the privacy of obscurity, through the shear volume of content out there, that makes this work for me. If someone actually finds this blog and gets something from it, fine. The worst case would be a malcontent finds cause to strongly dislike us. Even then it would be unlikely any would have the intrepid desire to find us in the real world or even take the time to send a flame email. Another angry person on the Internet doesn't amount to much. Realistically, the worst thing that will happen is that someone will find this blog and waste their time on the path to what they were really seeking.

So, I like writing here. I like putting my thoughts together on whatever the topic may be, and putting them down. While Cindy writes less - she clearly expresses interest and has never shown contempt. It's written for us, by us.

The point I was coming to, eventually, was that we are changing the focus of this blog to family issues in general. It won't just be about the future baby. In theory this should broaden the content and increase the number of posts.

What really brought this on is the realization that a second pregnancy gets far less attention than the first.....due to the product of the first pregnancy. Not much is happening in the pregnancy, while the product of the first pregnancy is going through an explosion of changes.

I now see why the second, third or eighth kids gets so many less photos than the first child. We are not going to have as much time to take the (roughly) 3000 we have of Lily, cause both sets of adult hands will be required at all times.

CDC, H1N1 + Droids

http://www.cdc.gov/h1n1flu/pregnancy/

That's the Center for Disease Control's (CDC) site related to H1N1 & Pregnancy. It has the best info available, and will always be the most up to date source.

I liked the Swine Flu name better - H1N1 reminds me of the robots in Star Wars - C3P0 & R2D2.

In Sickness and in even more sickness

The season for sickness is upon us and, through daycare, Lily is a conduit to the virus du jour. Our house is on the cutting edge of every Cold and Flu.

Normally, this should be a sniffle, a cough and a few days working from the house, but the H1N1 thing does make it scary. News outlets play with the numbers to make it look scary - to create an audience, but the science is pretty clear that pregnancy is significant factor in complications relating to this new influenza epidemic.

http://download.thelancet.com/flatcontentassets/H1N1-flu/epidemiology/epidemiology-72.pdf

Treatment for pregnant women has been extremely conservative in approach, since the Thalidomide tragedy of the 1960's, justifiably. It's good to see that medical science is proactively and aggressively looking out for treating pregnant women now. This is a great essay from the New York Times:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/29/health/views/29essa.html?_r=1

They are promising guidelines for the vaccination and retroviral treatment in the next few weeks. I'll be watching what comes back closely, and relaying my thoughts to Cindy.

Everybody knows

Cindy told her parents on Sunday - now, everybody knows. They were very happy, and claimed to have an 'idea' something was up.

We believe Lily officially entered the Terrible Two's yesterday (a week before she is 17 months). She started answering EVERY question with 'no' (what sounds like 'oh'). She's also becoming manipulative. For example, somewhere along the way she learned to grab her head and cry at the slightest bump. She'll fall gently on her butt, but still grab her head and let out the cry. Tears are never present and it goes away quick, of course. She's not a good actress, but the act might improve, so we will have to try to stay on top of it - one step ahead of her.

Doctor Appointment #2

Everything looks good....

• Heard heartbeat (150 - 155)
  
  
• Gained 5lbs - that's normal
  
  
• Got clearance to schedule the Ultrasound, so we'll know the sex on October 27th.
  

5 .... 4 .... 3 .... 2 ....

We are down to two pets, from the original five.

We gave up on Gibby. There were a number of factors that made us decide to do this - in particular his age, health and early signs of senility. To say that the pregnancy didn't expedite the decision would be lying, because it's exactly that type of event that makes you look at how and what you are doing - to streamline everything for what's to come.

I still have guilt for letting him go because, given the resources, he could have still been cared for. That's clearly not rational thought -- it's just not realistic to expect to have a family, a job and spend half the day caring for a dog. You take from one to give to the other. Ultimately, I know we did the right thing.

Joe and Maddy are left. They are both relatively low maintenance, docile, kid-safe and unassuming pets. They'll probably each get a lot more attention, now that their spotlight demanding sibling is gone.

19 lbs

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090923/wl_asia_afp/indonesiahealthbabyoffbeat_20090923113911

I thought Lily was big.

Bedroom Television

We now have a TV in the bedroom. It's mounted on the wall, which is what you do with TV's these days. You'd think it would lend some aire of modernity, but it doesn't. It is cool how little space a wall mount TV takes up though.

This post IS baby related, because the TV was acquired at Cindy's request, specifically for the third trimester. It was actually something she wanted at the end of the pregnancy with Lily, but we didn't find the time to get one.

Now, the question is if we'll ever use the TV. I watched a short DVD Sunday, the day it was put on the wall, but it hasn't been turned on since. Neither of us watch any television - we are both way too addicted to the internet. She even hates the one show she got into during the FMLA time with Lily now --> Jon & Kate + h8.

1 vs 2

Lily and I went to the park last Saturday and had to wade through a soccer tournament. The normally serene Whispering Woods park was swarmed with hundred's of families and their accompanying minivans and SUV's. Even the playground equipment was swamped, mostly with soccer players waiting for the game or younger siblings of players. Lily was fine with this, because she typically likes watching people more than any activities.

It made me think about having kids, rather than a kid - siblings.

The obvious things come into play - it's going to take more time and cost more money. Still, the more dramatic changes will come from the overall dynamics.

It's going to be a balancing force for Lily. She's going to have to share the spotlight. Going from an only child to 1 of 2 is the biggest shift. Jealousy is inevitable, to some degree. Ultimately, this will be positive, in my opinion, because these are lessons that can teach humility.

Discipline suddenly gets more complex. It's going to be a juggling act. Young children don't always understand the discipline to begin with, and there are more traps for inconsistency with multiple children.

The kids get a built in play partner and buddy. They have someone to share experiences with - a peer, so they can talk about what mean parents Cindy and I are. Hopefully these relationships will continue throughout their lives. It's a valuable asset.

So, in the end, I expect increased complexity, but also a much better environment for both children & any that follow.

After further analysis...

Boy?

On sleep and expanding bellies

We must be in the second trimester, because Cindy suddenly has energy again. She was up till 1AM on a school night, this past Wednesday. Last night she was tired, but it is nothing like the past couple months where she's drowsy at 8PM.

Oh, and she is showing. She won't be hiding it much longer. I'll probably have to dig out the maternity clothes from the basement this weekend, because the belly is expanding. We might be looking at another ten pounder.

Big Sister Blankets the Baby

I'm convinced that this is strictly a point of development, and not some amazing feat of nature related to the pregnancy, but Lily's favorite thing right now are her 'babies'. Specifically, she likes to cover them up with blankets and then give them hugs/kisses or push them around in the stroller.

Through practice she's become very good at covering the baby up. The hard part seems to be wrapping a blanket around herself.

This video shows Lily covering 'baby' with mom's blouse, then trying to do the same to herself, with less success.

Instant nostalgia

We received an invite to Vanessa's first birthday today. She's about 5 months younger than Lily, nearly to the day.

It's really amazing to see just how fast things changed in the first year. Both Vanessa and Lily are very big, very healthy girls, so seeing pictures of Vanessa has sort of been a reminder where we were just a few months back. It's like instant nostalgia.

At any other point in life a five month age gap is meaningless but the development, day-to-day, in the first year is different. They go from helpless lumps to wobbly, walking, talking, little personalities. It's really the only point in life where you can even identify a 5 month difference in age.

It should be even more interesting comparing and contrasting with two kids on a day-to-day basis. It may give us a deeper appreciation, and not just for the 'new old stuff' with the young one. It could also put the 'new stuff' - Lily's continuing development - into perspective.

It's a reminder that everything is fleeting.

The tackiness of flowers and letters

Cindy thinks using another flower name (Rose or Violet), or any 'theme', might be tacky. I almost agree, but the flower thing just doesn't seem the same as using only the letter 'J', or using the same middle name for every kid.

My biggest fear with the flower theme would be having a third(+) girl, in which case it would be difficult to break a theme. We'd either be working down a list of diminishing quality (Rose, Violet, Lilac, Pansy, Bougenvillas), or we'd break theme and have the 'flower children' and the 'other one'.

Maybe the baby will be a boy, and this won't be concern, so long as it's not an 'L' name.

Two hearts

These are the earrings I gave Cindy to celebrate the first ultrasound/heartbeat. It's kind of a tradition -- with Lily she got a necklace with a heart charm. This time there are two hearts...one's for Lily, obviously (we aren't expecting twins).

I was hoping they would arrive for the party Saturday, but today worked just as well.

The [not so] surprise party

No one was fooled.

We had a poorly timed Q/A from Paula last weekend, and gave it up. Paula has this innate ability to find out anything with a simple question. Cindy and I exchanged a glance before answering the question ('when is the next kid coming?') and it was checkmate. Denise and Cathy needed only to confirm Paula's suspicions.

So, we had our 'announcement' barbecue today, and the 'surprise party' was more of a 'confirmation party'. They even saw the baby bump last week, which I didn't notice till this weekend.

Come to think of it.....Cindy hasn't had me pull down the tub labeled 'maternity clothes' in the basement, yet. There will be no problem finding it, because it was packed & stored in the current location about the time Baby B was conceived.

First picture

He or she was much more active than this picture lets on -- it looked like the little girl or guy was dancing in there.

The doctor said she or he is just 2cm in the photo.

Slurpee

Cindy's new craving, and the ONLY craving lately, are 7/11 Slurpee's.

For the last year we have had a total of - ZERO - Slurpee's, until last week.

In the last week, Cindy has had 4, and that's not even close to what she WANTS to have. Each trip to/from work or anywhere out of the house, is planned around the location's of 7/11's.

You can actually have a conversation with her about who makes the best Slurpee and why. She'll pontificate on which type of slushee drink - Target vs 7/11 vs Burger King - is the best and why.

Big Sister

I'm sure it's the natural stage of development, rather than anything to do with the pregnancy, but Lily has suddenly taken to dolls.

At home she likes to put the doll in a stroller, place a blanket around it (leaving only the head exposed) and push it around. Yesterday the daycare lady told Cindy that Lily was carrying around a doll all day there too.

I also saw the first signs of jealousy yesterday. Cindy picked up the doll and gave it attention, and Lily reacted almost immediately. It could have been other factors, but my guess is that it was some form of jealousy. This is something we are going to have to find a way to deal with, but there is some time to figure it all out.

Patience is a virtue

Un-Pregnant Cindy is very easy going. I do my best to remember that during pregnancy, because Pregnant Cindy isn't always so easy going.

If I was perfect, I could avoid responding to any comment for 5 minutes. That's all the time it would take for both of us to return to rationality. I'm not even close to perfect though.

Luckily, we tend to come to our sense after 5 minutes, regardless of what's said. Then about 5 minutes after that we usually can break to the root of the problem (or close enough to it) and find what really caused everything, or at least come close.

So, even if we definitely fight more during pregnancy, we come to our sense quick and don't hold grudge. We often come out with the real feelings behind the frustration expressed, and occasionally even something to alleviate some of that frustration. Our relationship works well in this area.

It has also been a great deal easier this second go round. The first pregnancy was very new, and the concerns seemed more pressing. Now, we have something to compare it to, and an idea of what will happen in the coming months. The mental drama is a little bit easier, even if the physical stuff is pretty much the same.

13 Days can't go by fast enough

I cannot wait till we go to the doctor a week from Thursday.

Yes, it's because I want to be able to talk freely to family.

Yes, it's because I want to brag to people at work.

Yes, it's because I want to start planning and preparing a place.

Mostly, I just want to know that everything is alright. I am very excited about our family, both what it is now with Cindy, Lil & I, and what it will be -- adding Baby B.

Every day I count the days remaining till we get in there, and feel a little more confident that we'll get to make Lil a big sister.

Sleepy, bland and the select few

The most common thing I've heard for the last few weeks has been "I AM TIRED". It's on constant replay. Nothing wrong with that, cause I'm sure she is very tired (she said so), but it's like I need a tattoo that says I KNOW YOU ARE TIRED.

I offered to make dinner today, and asked Cindy what she wanted during the ride home. She asked for something 'bland'. I cynically offered to pick up Thai food, but she said buttered noodles and carrots would be better. We had cheese/spinach ravioli and carrots.

The list of people who 'know' is slowly growing. Shannon and two people at Cindy's work (who's proximity gave it away). I still haven't told anyone, even if the whole process/change/whatever has made me want to mention it to people. This blog provides a great vent though (that's its purpose).

We learned quite a lesson with what happened on the first pregnancy (before Lily), and have no interest in going down that road again. We both know it's best to wait till things are a little more certain....and I'm confident they will be, soon.

A queasy stomach

Every morning recently, Cindy has woken up with the dry heaves, and on occasion it isn't so dry. She typically runs out of the room, or calls across the house for me to come watch Lil, as she makes a dash for the bathroom. Luckily, it has only struck on an empty stomach (possibly because of an empty stomach?).

I don't remember it nearly as bad last time, but it might be selective memory.

Keeping a Secret

There is nothing like the excitement of taking a pregnancy test on somewhat of a whim, and having the result come out positive. When I took that test last weekend, the first thing I wanted to do was tell someone! But I couldn't. Ever since the miscarriage before Lily, I am very aware, and almost paranoid of the fact that anything can happen or go wrong, especially before 12 weeks.

The weekend was easy. I had no plans, so Tom and I could discuss Baby B incessantly. Then Monday morning, I headed to work with my big secret. Did I mention I'm great at keeping other people's secrets, but terrible at keeping my own? I made it through the day, despite one of my earliest symptoms is my love for coffee has been replaced with a sheer aversion to it! I can't even stand the smell. And everyone, especially my co-workers, knows how much I love my coffee. Since the excitement was building, I told myself I could tell one person. On the way home, I told Shannon and of course she was thrilled! It felt great to get it off my chest.

At work on Thursday, 2 of my friends came out and asked me if I am pregnant!!! I denied it, then ended up telling one of them later. She is sworn to secrecy, and better not spill the beans! I already feel this will be career suicide, so the longer my boss goes without knowing, the better.

We've been thinking about a fun way to tell everyone, when the time comes. We go to the doctors on August 27th (a Thursday), and we're considering having a BBQ the following weekend with all the family. I'm predicting my co-workers will figure it out before then. But I don't think any family members or other friends have a clue!!!

Constantly craving

Everyone talks about the weird food craving's during pregnancy, and it's a very real phenomenon.

So far, one of the cravings - Little Caesars (flat and plain) pizza - is the same thing Cindy had during the pregnancy for Lily. She rarely agrees to pizza, but when we do get it, we usually get Jets, Papa Romano's or, on occasion, Buscemis.....something good. Little Caesars is cardboard with cheese, but that's what she wants and you don't argue with a pregnant woman.

The other (anti-)craving is a sudden dislike of Coffee. This one blows my mind. I can understand the urge for bad pizza, but couldn't imagine life without good coffee.

At least one of us is ready

(p.s......my favorite part about this picture is that look of deep concentration on her face)

It begins, again

Lily changed our lives in more ways than one could have imagined. She brings us both incredible joy, and you get the feeling Lily is having fun too. The debate about trying for child number two was never 'if', only 'when'.

When would we start trying? She wanted to wait two years and I was ready right away.

I was ready because my view of Pregnancy was from that of a Chicken to breakfast, providing eggs. A woman's view of pregnancy is like a pig's view of breakfast, providing ham. Even as an excellent husband and coach, I could at best be involved in the pregnancy. While, at the very least, a woman is wholly committed to the changes that come about.

As it turns out, we didn't have much say in the matter.

It started a couple months after Lily turned one year old.

How either of us missed the symptoms for what they were, especially having gone through a pregnancy so recently, is quite a mystery. Everything that happened was text book from morning sickness to the additional sleep time to, lets just say, strong emotions.

I believe that I recommended the test after a discussion of the symptoms. I'm proud of that fact, but wouldn't argue for a second if she says otherwise.

On a whim, she had purchased a pregnancy test for $1.99 a few weeks back at Big Lots. It wasn't as easy to use as the ones at CVS, but when she took is Sunday night (August 6th, 2009), it came back positive. You can see the two lines on the picture to the left.

The $2 pregnancy test gave enough reason for some doubt, even if there wasn't any reasonable reason to really doubt it. Those tests are pretty much never wrong. Still, she then picked up another test from CVS, and it confirmed the obvious. You can see those two lines on the picture to the right.

She talked to the doctor on Wednesday, and the first visit was scheduled for the 10th week - on August 27th, 2009 - three weeks away. The due date was assigned to March 25th, 2010, which also happens to be our 4-year wedding anniversary. It was a shock to see how far along it already was.

So, here we are, back to where we started two years ago --at the very beginning of a pregnancy. I expected it to be second hand at this point. The fear now is not so much the unknown (even if there is plenty of that), but rather the known times 2. It's figuring out how to do everything we did with Lily, while also figuring out how to raise a 2 year old.

It should be interesting. I'm either very excited or hopelessly naive.