Time and chance

Time and chance doesn't work on any schedule.   Within a half hour of claiming the weekend for laziness, in the last blog post, I received news that my father had passed away.  That night and the days that followed felt hazy, and not at all lazy.

It's a week later, and we are well past the formality.   A lot of dust settles at this point.  You get a sense of clarity.   Yet, I know from experience that there is much dust left to settle.  These things play out over years rather than days.  Unraveling.  Explaining or understanding a relationship with a parent, even an absent one, can take a lot of time.   Even if that relationship is only now officially set in stone, undynamic, with all action secured in the past tense, it can have a great effect going forward.

I do not trust my thoughts on the past right now, but this event makes everything in the present more pressing.   It gives everything in the present a sense of urgency.

Most things I can't control.  It would be nice to be looking at 28 rather then 38, next year, when the boy arrives.   It would be nice to know that my life will be long enough to see my children develop into strong independent adults.

Some things I can control.  I am committed to being a continuous presence during every stage of my kid's lives.  I'll try to adapt my role, appropriately, as they grow.  Still, if there is an error, I should correct against personality type.  My fear should be withdrawal rather than an overbearing posture.