Little Foot

I felt the boys foot last night.   He pushed it against Cindy's side.    It felt like a little foot and the feeling sticks to you.

Cindy has consistently noted that he's far more active than Lily was, at every stage, so far.   I get the sense that this might continue when  he's out of the womb too.  Not only is he a boy but he also has my genes, and the rumor is that I was a very active baby & toddler.

Favorite person, for the moment

I've become Lily's favorite person.   If something needs to be done - Dad has to do it.   Put the tray on her high chair?   Dad.   Put her pants on?  Dad.  Bedtime stories?  Dad.   If Mom tries to do those things - tantrum.

I know this is just a two year old on a power trip (actually, 20 months).  Still, I'd totally let this go to my head, if Lily wasn't so unintentionally mean to her mom.    Yesterday Lily and I were doing puzzles, and Cindy sat down.   Lily said 'no' and went to the point of pushing her own mother a suitable distance away.

The status as 'favorite' has flipped a few times.   At one point, in the first few months, Lily would scream and cry if Mom couldn't be produced on demand.   For me to watch Lily without mom present was essentially being yelled at, continuously, or until she fell asleep crying.  Even with a helpless little baby, it bothered me that I couldn't comfort her, but nothing is more natural than for her to look for her source of food and closest contact.   The reaction made sense, but still felt personal.

Lily is now old enough that we want to apply adult feelings to her reactions, even if we know that's not the case. She's still very early at learning how to handle her feelings, figuring out the basic building blocks of communication and relationships.  I still feel bad for Cindy, since she does more for Lily than myself.

The good thing is that things will flip in another week and we'll be onto the next phase, whatever that may be.

The Pet Proxy

Our brains are naturally wired to raise kids and you can see evidence of this by how well many pets have it.

People wait longer to have kids, if they have them at all, and in the meantime they often get pets.   These pets are treated well -- absurdly well, in fact.   Sweaters, birthday celebrations and an overabundance of photos.....nothing is off limits.   These pets turn into full-on proxies for the children the people really want.

The pets offer an attachment without any long term commitment.   It would be like a kid you could return to the store if they pee on the rug too much.  The funniest thing is how serious people with pets want to take the task.   They'll seek out the burden and stress about the commitment involved.  They feel that it's like raising a kid, because they want it to feel that way.

I know all this because I once used the 'Pet Proxy'.  

Now I'm like the kid on the two wheel bike looking back on those still riding tricycles.   The bicycle looks scary and unbalanced, when you are used to three wheels.  The supremacy of two wheels over three becomes clear as soon as you make the switch.  

Two months

She's pregnant.   Very pregnant, in fact.    This stage looks like it would feel miserable.   She's confirmed that it feels miserable.

So, the next couple months won't be as much fun as usual.   They'll be uncomfortable at best and trying at times.   I know we'll get through it and it will be something that's looked back on more fondly than it was lived through.  Of course, that doesn't ease the discomfort or calm the trying times.

She might even ask the doctor to start FMLA time early, which I support based solely on her opinion.  

All's fair in love and war and bedtime

I'm usually the one that puts Lily to bed and  I take a special pride in the fact that I'm so damn good at it.    I enjoy devising complex strategies and working to outmaneuver her into slumber land.

The key to my great success is a gently orchestrated set of events leading to the inevitable night of sleep.

STEP 1.  DIVERSION.  Around the same time every night, we tell her it's bedtime, and then ask her if she wants to go read a book.    The 'book' in this case is a brilliant diversionary tactic which conceals the real intent of the mission.

STEP 2.  DOUBLE AGENTS.  Her own mother, working as a double agent in cahoots with myself, tells her good night.

STEP 3.  SEDATIVES.  Lily thinks we are just a couple of do-gooder parents when we re-fill her bottle with milk.    Little does she know that once that milk hits her stomach - sleep will only be a matter of time.

STEP 4.  REPETITION.  Every night we read from the same set of books.    This fosters a calmingly docile passivity.   Baaa says the sheep.   Where is the moon?  Ha!

STEP 5.  MIND CONTROL.   'Good Night, Grover'.....this innocent looking book is the ultimate deception, planting the acceptance of her fate (sleep) into her developing little mind.    Each page bears examination here:

• Page 1.  Grover willing walks to the bedroom with his/her Mom  (willingly, can you believe that?)
• Page 2.  Grover and mom read a bedtime story  (planting the seeds of her fate)
• Page 3.  Grover gets a drink  (drugged, surely)
• Page 4.  Grover has a night light 
• Page 5.  Grover hugs mom  (can't you see she's the enemy?)

Note also that to succeed at my task, I play loosely with the facts.  This is an advantage granted by my superior reading skills.   'Grover' becomes 'Lily', the night light page is deftly skipped and extra effort is taken to associate Lily with her fate (the crib, sleep, etc)......sheer brilliance on my part.

STEP 6.  WHACK-A-MOLE.  Restless, or maybe just coming to the realization that she has been played like a violin, by a really good violin player, like the type that would play in a concert where the audience wears tuxedos and dresses....she begins to struggle.    This is when I go into action, rocking her back and forth in the crib or massaging whatever limb is strumming the sides of the crib.    Often this takes two hands, since one limb will start up as soon as the other stops.

STEP 7.  EXCELSIOR.   She sleeps.   I shout out in celebration, silently, in my head.   Success, yet again.

STEP 8.   EGRESS.   I become Ninja.  The escape is silent.  I have never been so conscious of the sound of door knobs as I am at this moment.   She rarely knows I left until morning.

STEP 9.  BASK IN THE GLOW.   With an eerie grey light, the baby monitor will hum a still and silent picture.     She sleeps.....score one for parents everywhere.

The first kid vs every one after

It's odd that the impending birth of the boy takes such a back seat.    With Lily, our first, it was an obsession.   We had a room ready by the middle of the second trimester.  We had flow charts, secret meetings and numerous lists, just to find a name.   The pregnancy, with all its urges and cravings, was all we talked about.   The way our life would change was all we thought about.

The second child is two months away, as of today, since the birth is scheduled for March 18th.  We have both admitted to guilty feelings of how little time and thought we put into the boy.   We have barely scratched the surface on his bedroom.  We haven't talked about a name in over a month.   We both openly admit not even having the time to think about the boy.

The main reason for this is obvious.....Lily has been a blast of joy and labor.   She takes our time up, and our only regret is not having more time to give her.

I think another factor is that the boy won't change our lives all that much.    It will be twice as much work, but it will be the same tasks.   We kind of know what to expect in feeding, changing and parenting a baby.   Maybe the only thing we have left to learn about babies is that they are snowflakes, and no two are alike. 

Finally, it's very hard to love someone you never met on the same level as the near and present.  Three will become four very naturally, but it can't be faked or rushed.   The boy will be greeted with open arms and will be very loved - this much I am sure of - but we need to start introductions before we can get to know each other.  

The room is DONE!

My one goal this weekend was to get a good start at readying a room for the boy.    Well, we managed to not just start, but just about finish the room.   The only problem is that it wasn't the bedroom, but rather the laundry room. 

We got a new washer/dryer that was stack-able, and were able to create a lot more space by using it.   It also makes the room immensely more functional for many things unrelated to laundry.   It had to be done this weekend though (we had to pick up the washer/dryer immediately).    So far the project has been a major success at freeing up (and cleaning up) space, even though I kind of lied....we haven't completely finished the job - most of the shelving remains to be installed.

I have actually got a start on the bed room today, thanks to the Reverend Martin Luther King.   If the stock market is closed I don't work, and it's closed today to celebrate MLK.

We are still cleaning out and organizing stuff in the bedroom, but right now I have a basic plan for how to paint - along with approval of said plan by Cindy.  

2 More Months

My concerns are a lot less grandiose, on a much smaller scale than those Tom has reported on lately. Rather than worrying about the troubles caused by modern conveniences in the 21st century, I'm focused on making it through the day without having a nervous breakdown or going postal. This is an exaggeration, of course, but the bigger I get, the clearer the reality becomes that in 2 short months, there will be a newborn in the house once again. I'm slightly terrified.

But first off, the next two months seem insurmountable. I wonder how I can make it another 8-9 weeks, when most days I hardly feel like I can make it to 8PM. I'm getting more tired, exhausted; my lower back is aching and the hormones/tears are out of control. On top of this, work is stressful and Lily still needs to be taken care of, regardless of how tired I am. There is no time to even think about preparations for the new little one.

I don't mean to complain or whine. I know many women find themselves in similar situations, and things work out fine. I just need to somehow figure out how to get the strength to make it through myself.

The Conventional Wisdom of Modern Convenience

Our time is a vacuum in the modern world.   Whatever space accumulates is filled instantaneously, and anything new we take on in this vacuum puts pressure on what already exists.   The base institutions of living - taking care of family, body, religion - suffer.  So, we have a 55" TV and a belly approaching that size.  We know TV families better than our own, and prefer the artificial reality on TV to spending the time to ask real questions about our reality - our place in the Universe.

It must be noted that much of the time we lose is out of our control.   We accomplish more at work now than at any point in history (worker productivity), but we also work more.  You'd think that we would work less, given the increased production, once our needs were met, but materialism, driven by advertising, is always there to tell us what we should want next -- that next key to that elusive material bliss.

So, you need to work extra hours to get a big house, and if enough people work those hours, everyone else needs to do it just to be competitive in the labor market.  This is, for the most part, out of our personal control.  It's the stuff of economics on a world-wide scale -- of government and society, not the individual.   

We still have free time.   The increased productivity we have at work also applies in the home, so laundry can be done in fractions of time over an afternoon, rather then a day or two of hard labor.   We don't have to grow crops, mill grain, bake bread or even prepare meals anymore.  So, what we lost in pursuit of materialism, that technology and progress provides, is at least partially gained back through those same means.

This isn't to say all efficiency produces the best product.  Vitamin based nutrition doesn't match what comes from real food.  Many of the heavily processed & refined foods prepared for us provide little more than calories.

The same thing applies to technology.  The vacuum makes us more productive, but that doesn't mean the robot vacuum will do the same.  The rice cooker/steamer may become an essential part of making dinner, but the snow cone maker will mostly just take up shelf space, not to mention time.

The difficulty then is to walk the thin line between taking the best fruits that the modern world offers, but ONLY the best fruits...not getting lost in its vapid charms.   This isn't easy, because nearly every factor is lined up against you.

(1) The addiction to modern convenience is strong, even when you don't accept the conventional wisdom.  The allure of the iPhone is there, even if you know it will add more complexity to life than anything else.    The ads lie, and even if you know that, it's still so damn cool looking.

(2) It's easy to miss the loss, when there is a gain.  Cell phones made communication (or at least the expectation of communication) instantaneous when they became near-universal about a decade ago.   This was a gain, but it comes at the cost of serenity.  The thought of a day without communication is hard to imagine.   You can leave your cell phone at home, but it's almost a blatant disregard for modern protocol.....it's rebellious.

(3) The 'easy' way is rarely the best.   Our default option, in most cases, is pretty bad.   If you don't take the time to select carefully from a restaurant menu, then you will get a few days worth of sodium and calories.   If you listen to what the Realtor association says you should spend on a new house, then you will be a slave to a mortgage.   But don't worry, because if you listened to what the diamond industry recommends for an engagement ring then you won't be able to afford a house or dinner out to begin with.

(4) Be a Luddite, not a reviewer.  We are loss averse, so it's best to be conservative adopting new technology.   We have an easier time ignoring new stuff than we do giving up what we have, so it might be better to slow your adoption of questionable stuff, rather then try to review or judge every item after use.

Independence, Effort and Success

Lily likes to put on her own coat.   No, actually Lily demands to put her own coat on.   This of course would be fine if she was just a little better at putting a coat on, or if time was limitless.  Ideally, we like to give her just enough assist along the path to doing it herself, but that's only if she allows us to help and time permits it.   Often we need to just step in and provide a full assist, typically over heavy protest on her part.

The Nurture Shock book I have been reading says that you should reward a kid's effort, rather than achievement.   The theory being that telling someone that they are 'good' at something only teaches them to expect success, but as parents you should instill the knowledge that it's only through effort that you get better.   So, essentially, you don't compliment the strength, but rather lifting the weight that earns that strength.

I don't wholly buy into this concept.   First off, while compliments for success and achievement come naturally, praising the effort of practice doesn't.   So, you risk sounding forced both in what you say and also in the avoidance of just praise.  Second, genes probably play a bigger role in personality than anything in nurture.

Still, as guidance, I think this is right on.  I think there will naturally be praise for success, but reinforcing the power of practice is essential.  

So, it makes me happy when Lily struggles to flip the jacket around her back.  It makes me even happier when she gets the right arm in the correct arm hole (about 50% of the time).  Someday she'll master it and maybe, along the way, we can reinforce the importance of the work it took to reach that goal.  Eventually this all won't be much of an achievement, but for now it is.

Doctor visit

Cindy was in to see the doctor today and everything is going well.  

She's 11lb's under where she was at a similar point with Lily.  Needless to say, this makes her happy.  This, combined with the scheduled delivery (guaranteeing a delivery date at least two weeks before Lily), will probably guarantee the boy will deliver smaller than our girl did.

Living with a mad Queen

We must be experiencing what is described as the 'Terrible Two's'.   This is the stage where the child demands their way, and you either comply or feel the wrath.

Sometimes the demands are inspiring (even if a bit annoying) -- like when she tells me 'no, no, no' and pulls me away from the computer.  Some times the demands are untenable, when she wants a pair of scissors or something that would be dangerous    Other times, the demands are acceptable but fruitless, so you find yourself preparing food items from which she eats a single bite.   Some things are bizarrely inspiring, and you find yourself dragged across the house to see the cat.  

All in all, it's like living with a mad tyrant.   Someone who's desires are somewhat random and really have no bounds (in reality or reasonable expectation of personal safety).   The goal for us is to turn the tyrant into a person -- denying the wrong things and granting the right ones.

Truthfully though, this isn't much different than the past, since they don't reason any better prior to this.   The real difference now is that redirection is less effective.   You can't wave a shiny thing and distract them because they see right through it, and a failed attempt at redirection can make things worse.

End of Employment

It's looking more and more like Cindy will leave her job at some point after the boy arrives.   It makes sense from a life perspective and more and more so from a financial one.   We spent over $10,000 last year on daycare with one kid, and that would only grow with the second.  Based on my understanding, economies of scale (having two kids) doesn't save you all that much either.