Independence, Effort and Success

Lily likes to put on her own coat.   No, actually Lily demands to put her own coat on.   This of course would be fine if she was just a little better at putting a coat on, or if time was limitless.  Ideally, we like to give her just enough assist along the path to doing it herself, but that's only if she allows us to help and time permits it.   Often we need to just step in and provide a full assist, typically over heavy protest on her part.

The Nurture Shock book I have been reading says that you should reward a kid's effort, rather than achievement.   The theory being that telling someone that they are 'good' at something only teaches them to expect success, but as parents you should instill the knowledge that it's only through effort that you get better.   So, essentially, you don't compliment the strength, but rather lifting the weight that earns that strength.

I don't wholly buy into this concept.   First off, while compliments for success and achievement come naturally, praising the effort of practice doesn't.   So, you risk sounding forced both in what you say and also in the avoidance of just praise.  Second, genes probably play a bigger role in personality than anything in nurture.

Still, as guidance, I think this is right on.  I think there will naturally be praise for success, but reinforcing the power of practice is essential.  

So, it makes me happy when Lily struggles to flip the jacket around her back.  It makes me even happier when she gets the right arm in the correct arm hole (about 50% of the time).  Someday she'll master it and maybe, along the way, we can reinforce the importance of the work it took to reach that goal.  Eventually this all won't be much of an achievement, but for now it is.