All's fair in love and war and bedtime

I'm usually the one that puts Lily to bed and  I take a special pride in the fact that I'm so damn good at it.    I enjoy devising complex strategies and working to outmaneuver her into slumber land.

The key to my great success is a gently orchestrated set of events leading to the inevitable night of sleep.

STEP 1.  DIVERSION.  Around the same time every night, we tell her it's bedtime, and then ask her if she wants to go read a book.    The 'book' in this case is a brilliant diversionary tactic which conceals the real intent of the mission.

STEP 2.  DOUBLE AGENTS.  Her own mother, working as a double agent in cahoots with myself, tells her good night.

STEP 3.  SEDATIVES.  Lily thinks we are just a couple of do-gooder parents when we re-fill her bottle with milk.    Little does she know that once that milk hits her stomach - sleep will only be a matter of time.

STEP 4.  REPETITION.  Every night we read from the same set of books.    This fosters a calmingly docile passivity.   Baaa says the sheep.   Where is the moon?  Ha!

STEP 5.  MIND CONTROL.   'Good Night, Grover'.....this innocent looking book is the ultimate deception, planting the acceptance of her fate (sleep) into her developing little mind.    Each page bears examination here:

• Page 1.  Grover willing walks to the bedroom with his/her Mom  (willingly, can you believe that?)
• Page 2.  Grover and mom read a bedtime story  (planting the seeds of her fate)
• Page 3.  Grover gets a drink  (drugged, surely)
• Page 4.  Grover has a night light 
• Page 5.  Grover hugs mom  (can't you see she's the enemy?)

Note also that to succeed at my task, I play loosely with the facts.  This is an advantage granted by my superior reading skills.   'Grover' becomes 'Lily', the night light page is deftly skipped and extra effort is taken to associate Lily with her fate (the crib, sleep, etc)......sheer brilliance on my part.

STEP 6.  WHACK-A-MOLE.  Restless, or maybe just coming to the realization that she has been played like a violin, by a really good violin player, like the type that would play in a concert where the audience wears tuxedos and dresses....she begins to struggle.    This is when I go into action, rocking her back and forth in the crib or massaging whatever limb is strumming the sides of the crib.    Often this takes two hands, since one limb will start up as soon as the other stops.

STEP 7.  EXCELSIOR.   She sleeps.   I shout out in celebration, silently, in my head.   Success, yet again.

STEP 8.   EGRESS.   I become Ninja.  The escape is silent.  I have never been so conscious of the sound of door knobs as I am at this moment.   She rarely knows I left until morning.

STEP 9.  BASK IN THE GLOW.   With an eerie grey light, the baby monitor will hum a still and silent picture.     She sleeps.....score one for parents everywhere.