The solution for tantrums

There are two basic ways we have dealt with tantrums.   The first is ultimatum's and action -- timeout and  reset. This consistently fails, and typically escalates things for no purpose.   It manages to make matters worse and extend little issues into evening long struggles.  

The second method is simply ignoring it.   This will often work, but just as often devolves into successively worse disobedient behavior.   It's clearly not the right way in the short or long term.

Recently I found a new method - empathy.   I found this in a book called 'Brain Rules for Baby', but here is a video where the author explains the principle of how to deal with tantrums:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83JR4mVnE_E

So, for example, when she's irate because the bowl her oatmeal comes is not the color orange, my response is "I'm sorry you didn't get an orange bowl and I know how you feel.  I also like to use my favorite bowl and if I don't have it, that makes me sad sometimes".     What sounds ridiculously patronizing to an adult, explains the feelings to a child.  In the process she learns what her feelings mean and that other people have them too.

I've tried this for a few days now, and it has worked remarkably well.   It's loving rather than confrontational, but doesn't ignore the issue and, most importantly, it defuses the situation.    

Hopefully it keeps working, because it has been kind of amazing, so far.